Hand on heart, there was a time in my marriage when I wouldn’t have noticed if my vagina had fused over. (Yes, just like pierced ears when you stop putting earrings in – the hole closes up.) With the demands of home, young children, work, family, friends and not losing myself in the chaos, not losing the sex was low on the totem pole for a long while. Bed became a place to pass out exhausted and the kitchen table a place to eat food.
And life not being like the movies gradually became okay. Frankly, the most bothersome thing about our dry sex period was the number of real and pseudo experts opining that a sexless existence could not be a happy one.
That said, I think my sex resentment first set in after the difficult births of my first (and second) child. The day after the afterbirth and aftermath, I drunkenly recall a hospital worker sitting by my bedside talking gently and handing me a mountain of leaflets about when it was safe to resume sex with my husband.
My lady purse could not have been more mashed up had it been put through a ricer and here was this woman talking about having sex? I may have started screaming again.
So, between my husband crossing off the days on the ‘Sex Again Advent Calendar,’ and a motherlode of responsibility I began to doubt I could handle, a white rage started to build inside of me. That rage manifested itself in a tiny, scared voice inside my head desperately whispering ‘What about me?’ And, with help, it wasn’t until that question had been asked and answered did our sex life resume.
Years on and Googling this topic, though, I still find opinion weighted towards no sex = problem and the many ways we can all be fixed even if we are quite happy with a life without sex. There again, I won’t discount that closing up shop on our partner without a why or wherefore could speak to something deeper which needs discussing in the relationship.
This is not always true for our demographic, however, since I know of many loving and lasting relationships which do not rely on sex to be happy. Should these couples really be running to the therapist’s chair?
The one thing I know for sure is that our individual stories are as fascinating as they are varied and valid. So, as always, let us know if you’ve written on this topic, or inspired to do so now. Tweet us know if you do.