My parenting standards are high – it’s the execution of those standards that can sometimes let me down. And I am admitting this to give hope, or at least immediate solace, to new or inexperienced parents who set themselves the impossible task of getting it right all the time. Hell, getting it right at any point is where my parenting bar eventually ended up.

It began with breast feeding. For a child no bigger than a half bag of boiled sweets, my first baby girl fed like a blue whale. Blue whales, the largest animals on earth (I think), can apparently eat up to 8 tons of food per day. In a Man vs Food contest, my money would have gone on the little whale constantly attached to my human teet. Bear that in mind for this next bit.

My mother visits and is a little concerned at baby girl’s constant grizzling. Her following words changed my parenting life.

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