This week has been overwhelming.
As I write, I am home alone enjoying a moments peace to reflect on… well, to reflect on everything.
I have my own blog, but what I’m frantically trying to get out of my mouth is far too personal to include on mine. I need my words far away from the eyes of friends and family. Why write it at all, you’re probably asking. I had thought that too, but I find writing and blogging is good for the soul, and is exactly what I need.
Today I had a call from a woman who is my boyfriend’s counsellor. We talked through a crisis plan which has been put in place for him in case he has suicidal thoughts and impulses. Whilst the call may have been a surprise to most, this was no surprise to me as he had told me about it the week before. And now I am having to take a minute to pull myself together and process what the actual fuck is happening.
My boyfriend suffers from depression, and he told me this week he would be happy if he didn’t wake up in the morning.
It’s not a new thing, the depression, something he’s had to deal with for a while, but something that has been amplified of late.
It’s something I have grappled with myself over the past few years and is one of the reasons, to name but a few, that I see a counsellor every couple of weeks. Sometimes if I’m feeling good and able to cope with situations that most take for granted I’ll leave it a bit longer. I work hard to make sure I have good mental health. Clichéd but true. I know how to deal with my situation, what my triggers are, how I need to respond, and things to just stay clear of full stop.
But this? Well, I’m just not sure how to deal with it. I know I need to think about him, about what his needs are and what he needs from me, but then I also need to think about me too, how I’m going to get to grips with it. How I can help him? How I can help me? How I can help us? I feel a little bit broken inside and don’t quite know the best way to help him.
Staying strong for someone is sometimes the hardest thing when you don’t feel strong yourself.
Tomorrow, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and start again.
But right now, it’s just all a little overwhelming.